oh boy

today i'm not feeling so great. i feel really unattractive... you know, muffin top, pimple, windblown hair, faded jeans, under eye circles. generally bad news. it's so cold and windy today. i look like a monster - not joking. short bleached hair looks like the hair on a muppet after it has been blowing in the wind.

this morning i had my group session at the employment insurance office. really i just snoozed the whole thing away, although i did learn some great resources for improving my english. it was not helpful to me, personally, but i can see how it would be for some people. and it's good to make sure that people aren't cheating the system.

here is a general beef i have: why doesn't tim hortons take debit or visa? seriously... only mastercard or cash. i can understand cash only because they want to keep the lines moving along speedily, but some people don't carry cash (like me, usually). this morning i bought some boxes of that pumpkin spice tea. it's so delicious! anyway, luckily i found an old abandoned tim's card in my wallet, or else i would have had to give up my tea dreams. sad, but true.

in terms of food and eating, i have learned something very, VERY interesting about myself. i need to keep myself neither full or hungry. especially not too full. when i am too full, i feel like i've "blown it," like why bother stopping now... even if i've just eaten a plate of veggies. it doesn't matter... the whole ruining the diet mentally. even though it's ridiculous and i can rationally acknowledge its ridiculousness. so i can't let myself be too full, and ESPECIALLY, not in the evenings, when i am alone. i envy people who live with other people because it's sort of like a block for overeating. i wouldn't stuff myself in front of anyone else because of the embarrassment or the idea of someone judging my eating. but alone, why not? who is going to know? except myself and that's a whole other discussion of feeling bad about yourself!

so that's all i have to say today. today for breakfast i had strawberry carnation instant breakfast made with unsweetened almond breeze instead of oatmeal. a nice change taste-wise but it is not holding me over at all.

tuesday

i am feeling much better today, thanks everybody. =D

but for the record, yesterday's post wasn't about sharing a problem or making some sort of giant confession. i just can link eating too much cookie dough to feeling upset about something. and the truth is, the cookie dough did help. it was pretty delicious. it's weird. when i feel upset in an outraged sort of way i can eat through the problem, but if i was upset about a personal problem and felt sad or guilty, my appetite would be non-existent.

but today is a new day. i went to the gym last night and did 4 miles on the treadmill. it was hard because i felt so exhausted in an emo way but i pushed through it. i had to walk a few times but got in 30 minutes total of running which is my goal. i also did some weights and 4 miles on the stationary bike. and today i brought 75% of the cookies to work for my coworkers to eat. evil? maybe.

i made another big salad (this tends to be a monday trend) which consisted of spinach, roasted cauliflower and onion, carrots, almonds, raisins, dried apricots, baby tomatoes, and two chicken wieners cut up. now that i list all the ingredients it sounds pretty gross but it was good. i also went grocery shopping and stocked up on lean cuisines - they are on sale for $1.99. a little bird was saying "cheap cheap" in my ear.

today's menu is:

breakfast:
quaker weight control oatmeal (2)
strawberries (0.5)

snack:
clementine (0.5)
yogurt (1)

lunch:
2 slices ww toast (1)
campbell's chunky beef soup (5)

snack:
yogurt (1)
all bran mixed in (0.5)

dinner:
maybe another spinach salad with a sol cuisine veggie burger chopped into it. (?)

emotional eating

for once i'm happy that the weekend was over. it was really terrible in a lot of ways, although good in some as well.

the good: i had fun dancing with my friends, my bf made me a nice breakfast, i ran 4 miles on the treadmill saturday morning even though i *really* didn't want to, i got curtains for my condo and put them up so now i feel like my every move isn't on view to the world.

the bad: extreme family drama, drinking way too much, overcrowded bars and ikeas, very bad food choices including poutine (twice), burger king (whopper... what was i thinking although it was tasty), making cookies and eating 1/2 the dough, nachos with cheese melted, and probably more i'm blocking from my memory.

i definitely fall into the category of "emotional eater" which bothers me but what can i do about it? not do it? not that easy. i have started reading this book and it basically says that recovering from an eating disorder is very unlikely and symptoms in adults (as opposed to adolescents and young women) tend to be ignored because they assume that adult women a) have "recovered" whatever that means or b) grow out of their problems. binge eating and emotional eating should be considered eating disorders as well. it's like alcoholism. you wouldn't expect a recovering alcoholic to walk into a bar every day and have one drink and be satisfied and happy. but those who have/had a problem with overeating in the past still have to deal with food and reasonable portion sizes at every meal. sucks! i know i'm a negative nancy today but it really is the pits.



here is today's menu:
brown sugar cinnamon weight control quaker oatmeal.
clementines
lean cuisine pizza
spinach salad
chicken hot dogs

and i am going to the gym after work even though i don't want to. exercise = happy. happy = no more negative nancy. maybe some sunshine would help too.